


You May Blame Aphrodite

by ifwallscouldspeak



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bakkoush Family Feels, Coming Out, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Islamophobia, Pining, The Sana and Jamilla Deserved Better Fix-It Fic, Women of Color in Love, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 12:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 18,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11555085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifwallscouldspeak/pseuds/ifwallscouldspeak
Summary: She wasn’t sure exactly when it started, these feelings she had for Jamilla. Maybe it was the first time Jamilla ever stood up for her, and Sana was overwhelmed with gratitude and awe. Maybe it was the first time Jamilla made her laugh when she wanted to scream, and Sana was filled with joy and anticipation. Whenever it happened, it felt all encompassing. (AKA, the Sana-centric, Jamilla-centric, Women of Color in Love S1 and S2 AU that no one asked for).





	1. May 11, 2016

**Author's Note:**

> So I finished watching all of S1, S2 and half of S3. And I was left with two things. First, yes, Sana is my precious child forever and ever. Second, Jamilla Bikarim definitely Deserved Better. 
> 
> I rewatched their clip from S4, and I started having a lot of feelings about them and their relationship, and how badly I wished it had been explored more. Especially because when I was watching again, I felt so many romantic-style feelings about them. This was only heightened after starting mahistrado's "A Guidance and a Mercy" (have you read it? Amazing. A+ 100/100). 
> 
> So while I was sitting there, drowning in my Sana/Jamilla feelings, I decided to do some writing and subject you all to them as well :) And then I started thinking about Sana and Even's friendship :) And the Bakkoush siblings and their mom :) And then I spiraled out of control :) 
> 
> This piece is an AU that spans about two years, from before S1 to the beginning of S3. Weirdly, I feel like it could definitely be canon-compliant with S3! I wanted to try something new, so I played around with the narrative structure. The clips aren't in chronological order, but in order of feelings (I hope that makes sense). 
> 
> Anyway, I hope I did these beautiful angels justice, especially around navigating religion, relationships, sexuality, and realizing that you have feelings for your best friend. I would love to hear feedback (especially from any LGBTQ+ Muslims who are reading, I hope I didn't misrepresent anything). 
> 
> Let me know how you like it and how I can do better! 
> 
> As always, All grammar, spelling and syntax errors are my own. I do not own SKAM or any of the canonical characters.
> 
> Title comes from this Sappho poem (trans. Mary Barnard):
> 
> It’s no use  
> Mother dear, I  
> can’t finish my  
> weaving  
>                  You may  
> blame Aphrodite  
> soft as she is  
> she has almost  
> killed me with  
> love for that boy

Chris shifted slightly, biting down on her bottom lip.

“Are you sure we should do this?” she asked nervously.

Sana rolled her eyes. “They started this, remember?”

“I’m, uh, I’m kind of scared of them.”

“And what are they gonna do back?” Sana asked tone bitter. “Nothing that we can’t retaliate.”

“Well, I don’t know. Remember all that stuff Iben did to Eva? Or how Vilde was talking about those Russ girls cutting our hair and stuff-”

 “Chris relax,” Sana smiled marginally. “My hijab will protect us, remember?”

“Yeah, okay, but if they also all wear hijabs-”

 “We’re doing this!” Sana set her jaw.

 They were in Elias’s room after school; no one else was home. It was almost completely dark; the only light turned on was from the white glow of Elias’s laptop. Sana sat in his desk chair, back ramrod straight; Chris stood behind her, fidgeting every few moments.

“You don’t have to be in here,” Sana finally snapped. “You can go in my room, or keep guard at the front door, or something.”

“If you’re in here, I’m in here,” Chris said, voice only shaking slightly. “Me and you, baby."

Sana squelched the rush of affection that pulsed through her; she needed to remain cool and hard for what she was about to do next. She turned her head slightly to nod at Chris slightly, and then faced the computer again. The login screen was loaded, prompting her for a password. She moved the cursor to click on the hint button. _Even._

“Even? What the fuck does that mean?” Chris asked. 

A dull pain shot through Sana’s chest, and for a moment, she couldn’t breathe properly. She thought of Even - tall, sweet, funny Even - and wondered why Elias hadn’t changed his password yet. The Norwegian boy hadn’t come over for months, and anytime she or her parents brought him up, Elias would just shrug and pretend like nothing was wrong.

Without meaning to, Sana’s thoughts flashed back to two different moments, as if she was watching a pair of television screens. First -  

_Elias’s broken voice, half hoarse from crying, filtering through the door. It shook her; he was being too loud, too raw, and the door was too thin._

_“Even, it’s Elias, again, please, bro, pick up the phone, I - I’m so fucking worried about you, no one has heard from you in days, you’re my family, man, I - I love you, okay, I need you to talk to me, I’m trying to figure out -”_

And then - 

_Her heartbeat rushing too quickly, every thump of it pounding in her ears. Even’s gentle, concerned face drew closer to hers; his hand reached out, almost touching hers, before he stopped._

_“It’s just a phase,” he said, almost angrily. “It will go away.”_

Sana shook her head and took a deep breath. She didn’t bother to answer Chris’s question. Instead, she just typed Even’s favorite director. The laptop hummed and granted her access. The first thing to pop up was Elias’s screen saver. It was a selfie of him and Jamilla, his face turned slightly into hers. 

Sana stared at the image of Jamilla. The sun was shining just behind her face, and her dark eyes were sparkling. It made her heart quicken and her mouth went dry for a moment. Sana shifted her eyes away, instead opening up Elias’s web browser. Facebook was right there one of the bookmarked pages.

“Last chance,” Chris said.

 Sana clicked on the link. Elias’s Facebook homepage opened right up. She opened his messages, and right there, at the top, was the thread to Jamilla.

“We can’t let them get away with this,” Sana said. “She - she thinks she can call me a slut, for not even doing anything, when she’s-”

Sana could barely breathe, let alone speak anymore. All of her anger, all of her hurt, pressed on her sternum. After everything she and Jamilla had gone through, she still couldn’t believe the older girl would do this to her. Sure, they weren’t exactly friends anymore. Not when Jamilla had thrown it all away for her brother and the Hijab Police, but - but hadn’t Sana meant anything, at all, to her

How could she have betrayed her?   

“Let’s go, bitches,” Chris said, leaning closer to the screen.

Sana straightened her shoulders and began to read.

 

 


	2. August 20, 2015

Sana pushed the shopping cart down the aisle, pausing next to the highlighters. Jamilla picked at her fingernails, staring at the other girl’s face. It was scrunched in concentration, as if choosing which packet to buy was the most important thing in the world. A sweet feeling of care flooded Jamilla’s veins as she stared openly, trying not to smile. Sana was so beautiful.

“Wha?” Sana asked, finally tearing her eyes away from the display.

Jamilla glanced away, towards the notebooks. “Nothing. You’re cute, is all."

Sana rolled her eyes. “Nissen is a serious school. If I’m going to do be at the top of my class, graduate with honors, and get into the best medical program in the country-”

“You’re gonna need a ten-pack of highlighters?” Jamilla asked, trying not to laugh. 

“I’m just being cautious!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jamilla smirked.

Sana rolled her eyes. “Not all of us are geniuses like you. Some of us have to actually study. And studying requires materials. Materials like highlighters.”

Jamilla felt heat rise to her cheeks. “I’m not a genius-”

“Yeah, okay,” Sana said dismissively.

Jamilla was going to push her and ask what that meant, when Sana’s phone went off. She watched Sana dig around her bag for it, and then read her screen with a scowl.

“What’s up?”

“It’s Elias,” Sana rolled her eyes.

Jamilla asked, “Oh?”

“Yeah,” Sana’s thumbs flew over the touchscreen.

“And how is he?" 

“Annoying, as usual.”

“Ah, be fair. Your brother’s pretty cool,” Jamilla said.

“Hah!”

“He is!” Jamilla insisted.

Sana looked up. Jamilla couldn’t read the emotions that passed over her face.

“What’s up with you defending him, all of a sudden?”

Jamilla’s face grew warm again. “I’m not!”

She stood in the aisle, staring at her best friend, confused.

“Yeah, you are,” Sana narrowed her eyes.

“I’m just saying, maybe we should be nicer to him,” Jamilla said uncertainly.

“Why?”

Jamilla shifted uncomfortably. “Well, I mean, you know, you’re going to high school-”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Don’t you want to, you know, meet some nice high school guys?” Jamilla blurted out, no idea why she was saying these things.

“Eh?” Sana gave her an annoyed look. “No. I mean - not if Elias is introducing me to them. Besides, he’s at Bakka, and you and me, we’ll be at Nissen. So.”

Jamilla’s mouth refused to cooperate with her brain. “Well, yes, but I’m sure now that you’re old enough, he’ll invite us to his friend’s parties, and-”

“I don’t want to go to parties with him,” Sana said dismissively. “I don’t want to meet any guys.”

“Okay, then-”

“Seriously, why are you talking about this all of a sudden?”

“I-" 

Sana cut her off. “What, do you like Elias, or something?”

“What?”

Jamilla’s entire body froze, and she stared at Sana. This… this was new territory. And it felt awkward, bizarre. She told Sana everything, but not this; she never talked about her crushes to Sana. There was something that just felt wrong about discussing the guys that she liked. It was a confusing feeling, that she should keep stuff like that secret from the one person she shared everything with.

And this, this conversation made her nervous, especially because she didn’t have a crush on Elias. Sure, he was kind, funny and cute. Elias was always making her laugh and making her blush with his sly comments. She liked hanging out with him; it was always easy and light.

Of course, she’d thought about dating him before. Who wouldn’t? She could see herself going on dates with him where they ate greasy fast good and threw fries into each other’s mouths. But that – that felt more like idle wondering than anything else. He didn’t make her heart flutter. She didn’t want to spend hours on end with him. His blush didn’t fascinate her. He was… a good friend; a cute, good friend.

Kissing him wouldn’t gross her out, but she was sure it wouldn’t make her light up, either.

“Oh, ew,” Sana said.

Jamilla shook her head, embarrassment creeping up her spine. What had she just said? She was sure no words crossed her mouth, but Sana was staring at her in betrayal.

“Sana, no, it’s-”

“You like Elias,” Sana was staring at her like she had another head.

“No!” She said it too quickly.

“Ugh, you totally do,” Sana glared.

“I-”

“It’s fine, I guess,” Sana said.

“Sana-”

“I don’t want to talk about it, my brother and my - my best friend,” Sana said.

Jamilla didn’t say anything. Sana snatched a packet of highlighters off the display and tossed it into her cart. She pushed the cart forward aggressively, not even looking back at Jamilla.

“He likes you too, you know.”

Jamilla sputtered. “What?”

“I heard him talking about it with Yousef and the guys. He thinks you’re hot,” Sana scoffed.

“Uhm-”

“I’m sure you’ll be very happy together,” Sana said sarcastically. “It’s going to be so great when you start dating.”

Jamilla stood there for a moment, the anguish that had been bubbling up popping into something like anger. She didn’t know exactly what Sana’s problem was, but she was starting to get pissed off. She hadn’t even done anything wrong, and now Sana was angry? Why?

And so what, what if she did have a crush on Elias? There was nothing wrong with that. If she did wanted to go out with him, that shouldn’t even be an issue. It would be normal. Fuck, if she wanted to date Elias, that was her prerogative, and Sana shouldn’t have the right to be angry about it!

Jamilla clenched her teeth together, trying to clear her thoughts. She wanted to shout after Sana -

_Why do you even care, anyway?_

\- But what came out of her mouth was something entirely different.

“Wow, Sana, thanks for the support,” she said, storming past her.

“Jamilla-”

Jamilla whirled around, words spilling out of her with no rhyme or reason. “Yeah, you know what, I’m sure Elias and I will be very happy together! And it would be nice if my best friend could be happy for us too!”

Jamilla walked right out of the store, her entire body shaking.

What the fuck did she just say? And what the fuck was she going to do now?


	3. May 20, 2016

Vilde said, “Just because you have feelings doesn’t make you a lesbian. I had feelings when I kissed Eva.”

Sana swallowed, turning her face to stare out of the window. She didn’t want to be here, listening to his conversation. Her head was throbbing; all she wanted to do was go home and lay down. 

“What kind of feelings?”

Sana wanted to scoff. What a stupid fucking question. 

“Turned on.”

“Well - I mean, kissing anyone would turn you on, right?” Chris asked.

“Uh - I guess,” Vilde sounded unsure.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, you know,” Vilde said. “I don’t - I never got, you know, wet, just from kissing William-”

Sana pressed her forehead into the cool windowpane. She thought about Jamilla’s beautiful smile, the way her whole face lit up whenever she was happy. The way her full lips slowly stretched, painted red or plum or just with a sheen of sparkling lip-gloss over them. But then that smile morphed into a frown. As if she was standing in front of her, Sana saw Jamilla’s hurt face. Unshed tears in her eyes, jaw set stubbornly, teeth clenched behind her scowling lips. 

Eva sounded dismissive. “Vilde, you’re not a lesbian. You were just drunk. We both were.”

“Right,” Vilde’s voice was relieved. “That’s what I meant.”

Sana’s throat was dry. “Just because – actually no. If you want to kiss someone, or you think about them constantly, you know, wanting to make them laugh or just – just talking, maybe that does mean you like them.”

Vilde looked unsure now. “Right.”

“Being a lesbian isn’t just about the physical stuff, you know, it’s other things too,” Sana said. “And if you’re having those other feelings about another girl, that’s okay. Being a lesbian is okay.”

There was a pregnant pause; Sana could feel her friends looking at her.

“Of course,” Chris said smoothly. “Nothing wrong with being a lesbian.”

“But I’m – I’m not a lesbian,” Vilde fidgeted. “It was nothing. Just getting turned on.”

“You probably just got turned on because we’re friends,” Eva said, after a moment. “It was comfortable, familiar.”

“Yeah, like when you said you got horny thinking about clothes and stuff,” Chris said.

“Yeah,” Vilde said. “Yeah, of course.”

Sana closed her eyes, trying to drown everything out as the conversation changed.


	4. September 04, 2014

“Halla!” Jamilla called out, toeing her shoes off. 

She heard Sana’s answering response coming from the kitchen, and she grinned. Jamilla walked past the living room, waving at Elias and his friends; they were all huddled in a circle, doing who knew what. 

“Hi, hi, hi!” Sana practically shouted at her, grinning from her spot at the table.

Jamilla groaned and dropped into the seat across from her. Sana had already laid out a few snacks, and the teakettle was boiling water on the stove. Jamilla propped her elbows up and rested her head in her hands. Sana looked beautiful, as always; her face was slightly flushed in excitement. Jamilla noticed her eyelids were slightly shimmering, and she wondered if Sana was wearing eye shadow. 

“How was your first day?” Sana leaned forward eagerly, placing her phone screen-down on the table.

“Ugh,” Jamilla said.

Sana rolled her eyes. “Come on.”

“No, really, ugh,” Jamilla answered.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad-”

“We were assigned conversation partners in my Spanish class, and in front of everyone, the teacher asked if I was ‘allowed’ to be paired with a boy,” Jamilla started.

“What!”

“Yeah, and then in the gym, the teacher said I’d have to, and I quote, ‘take off that head wrap’ if she thought it would obstruct my ability to play basketball.”

“Have they never seen a hijab before, what even-”

“And the worst part, is there’s this - this pack of hijabis, ugh, they all went to middle school together, I guess,” Jamilla said. “And they all know each other and whisper at lunch. I swear, their eyes were like lasers on my back when I went to sit with Helene -”

“Who’s Helene?”

Jamilla shrugged. “Some Norwegian girl I met in the bathroom. She complimented my lipstick.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, but anyway, these girls, they were like - ugh, I don’t know. One of them came up to me after lunch, and was like, talking about how my pin placement was all wrong. I was so pissed, you know, like who does she think she is, the Hijab Police?”

Sana cracked up laughing. Jamilla watched, her face heating up, even though she wasn’t sure why. 

“I hate girls like that,” Sana said. “They think they’re like, in charge of how the rest of us should act. Ugh.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Well, at least you have Hilda.”

“Who?” Jamilla scrunched her face.

Sana waved her hand. “The lipstick girl.”

“Oh - oh. No, her name’s Helene.”

“That’s what I said.”

Jamilla shook her head. “Anyway, overall, it sucked. High school is completely overrated.”

“Hey,” Sana reached out, touching her hand. “It’ll be fine.”

Jamilla could barely form another word. “I guess.”

“Besides, it’s only one more year, and then we’ll be together again!”

Jamilla smiled. “Yeah, I can’t wait.”


	5. November 17, 2015

Sana crept out of Nissen behind Vilde and Eva, hunching down slightly. She tried to laugh along to something Vilde was saying, but she was only half-paying attention. Her eyes skimmed across the yard, hoping that she wouldn’t see Jamilla.

“How big do you think it is, anyway?” Vilde was asking.

“William’s?” Eva sounded baffled. “How would I know?”

“Well, haven’t you seen Jonas’s? How big is it?” Vilde blinked. “William is taller, so his should be bigger, right?" 

Sana wanted to groan; were they talking about boys again?

“I don’t think that’s how it works, Vilde,” Eva said.

“Well, William has bigger hands too, right? Doesn’t that mean something?”

Sana’s phone went off in her pocket, and she paused to dig it out of her jacket. Her heart pounded painfully, guiltily, as she saw it was another text from Jamilla.

[ **Yesterday** 21:37]

_Hey Sana, I can’t wait to hang out tomorrow. I know it’s been weird lately, and I’m sorry about that. Let me make it up to you? Coffees on me!_ _J_ _Xoxo_

[ **Today** 13:45]

_Just got out of class! See you in a few!_

[ **Today** 14:10]

_Where are you? It’s freezing out here!_

[ **Today** 14:19]

_HELLO? I thought you said you got out at 2 today? We’re still meeting, right?_

[ **Today** 14:25]

_Sana?_

[ **Today** 14:45]

_I’ve been waiting for an hour, where are you?_

[ **Today** 15:01]

_Are you alive?_

[ **Today** 15:16]

_Did your phone die or something? I’m still in front of the school, by the steps._

“Is that Chris?” Vilde asked.

“Huh?” Sana looked up from her phone.

Vilde nodded her head. “Did Chris just text you? She said she might have to meet us later, I was wondering.”

Sana shook her head. “No, it’s - uh, it’s my dad.”

“Oh,” Vilde paused for a moment. “Do you have to like, call for permission?”

“Permission?”

“You know, to be outside,” Vilde said.

Sana narrowed her eyes. “Yes, actually. Every time I step foot outside, I have to get oral permission first, or I’ll be whipped when I get home.”

Vilde’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped in horror. Sana stared back passively, Jamilla’s voice running through her head -

_They don’t understand, Sana. They never will because they don’t want to. No wonder the Fatima and them only hang out with each other._

Eva laughed weakly. Sana didn’t bother to say anything else. Her phone buzzed again in her hand. Jamilla sent a new message.

[ **Today** 15:19]

_I can’t wait forever, I’m going home. Call me or whatever, I guess._


	6. October 17, 2015

Jamilla sauntered into the Bakkoush living room, where Sana, Elias, and all of his friends were hanging out. 

Elias looked completely engrossed in whatever video game he was playing with Yousef - something to do with football? - So she simply kissed the top of his head before crashing onto the sofa. He glanced back up at her and smiled. Sana was already sitting there with Even; Jamilla squeezed between them, half of her body ending up in Sana’s lap. She felt her entire body heat up as she scooted away, trying to seem casual.

“Halla, babe,” Elias said distractedly.

Jamilla didn’t need to look at Sana to know she was rolling her eyes. Something burned in Jamilla, right below her heart.

“Hey honey,” she said, slightly vindictively. 

“What took you so long to get here, girl?” Mikael asked, leaning against Even’s lanky legs.

Jamilla shrugged. “Farah was having a crisis-”

“Those girls are nothing but drama all the time,” Sana muttered.

Jamilla clenched her teeth and didn’t finish her sentence.

Adam asked, “Farah’s the hot one, right?”

“All my friends are hot,” Jamilla said cheekily.

Sana shifted away from her.

“So how was your day, everyone?” Jamilla asked. 

A chorus of ‘fine’s’ filled the air. Elias yelped at Yousef, and began to heatedly mash buttons on his controller. Yousef was laughing wildly, and Mutta began to cheer. Jamilla rolled her eyes, turning her face away from the game.

“Sana was just telling me that she joined a bus,” Even said, humor in his tone.

“Yeah, so I heard,” Jamilla said.

“What’s that tone?” Sana was defensive.

Jamilla turned to look at her best friend. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she was glaring at the back of Yousef’s head. A wave of annoyance washed over Jamilla, and she had to remind herself to keep calm. She had no idea what she had done, but the past few weeks, Sana had just been so pissed off at her. Ever since she and Elias officially started dating -

Well, okay. That’s probably what it was. But Jamilla had no idea why she was acting this way. Shouldn’t Sana be happy that Jamilla was happy?

And she was happy. She loved hanging out with Elias. It turned out that dating him was just like being his friend, only with more body contact. It was so easy, laughing and talking about stupid shit together. It felt… it felt so normal, and sweet. He was cute and hilarious and most of the time, actually paid attention to what she was saying. 

But Sana was acting like a total bitch half the time. It confused the shit out of Jamilla. She was acting exactly like a jealous ex-girlfriend. Which was crazy - Sana didn’t like her, not like that. And it’s not like Jamilla liked Sana that way, either. 

Right?

It was - no. Of course she didn’t. 

She was with Elias. 

“It’s not a tone!” Jamilla said.

“You don’t approve of me doing Russ,” Sana said petulantly.

“That’s - no,” Jamilla said. “I just don’t know why it matters to you, all of a sudden.”

“It’s not all of a sudden-”

“We used to laugh at those girls, remember? Spending too much money on their buses, wearing those weird sponsor sweaters, getting drunk every weekend.” Jamilla shook her head. “And now you’re one of them.”

“Yeah, and we also used to laugh at the Hijab Police, and look at you now.”

“Don’t call them that,” Jamilla said automatically. “And – and what’s that supposed to mea-”

“Hey, hey, ladies, chill,” Elias called over his shoulder.

Jamilla pursed her lips.

“Besides, they’re all doing Russ, and I never hear you nagging at Elias,” Sana glared and flung her arm out, gesturing towards all the boys in the room. 

“Yeah, well, Elias doesn’t hang out with a bunch of white boys,” Jamilla snapped before she could think through what she was saying. “No offense, Even.”

Even smiled at her, slow and easy. “None taken.”

“Why does that even matter?”

Jamilla sighed. “I’m just saying, you know how they can be-”

“Look, just because Helga-”

“Helene,” Jamilla muttered, face heating up.

“Whatever. My friends aren’t like her.”

Jamilla was suddenly so tired. She didn’t want to fight anymore, not with Sana. Jamilla tentatively put her hand on Sana’s knee, squeezing it slightly. She heard Sana’s breath quicken, and they stared at each other for a moment. Sana wet her lips, and Jamilla’s eyes dropped to her mouth. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” Jamilla said wearily. “I just think you should be careful.”

Sana shifted her leg away. “Got it. Thanks.”


	7. May 25, 2016

Sana sat at the windowsill, phone in her hands. She had her text messages open, and her thumbs were hovering over the send button -   

_Hi Jamilla. I would really like to talk to you about everything that’s happened. I really miss you. I'm so sorry about you and Elias. I don’t want to write an entire essay over text, but I really need to speak with you. Please, can we meet in person to talk about everything? Love, Sana._

“Halla,” a quiet voice said near her.

Sana pressed down on the lock button on her phone, and looked up to see Noora standing next to her. Noora shifted and climbed up onto the sill as well, their legs and feet tangling together before Noora pulled her knees towards her chest.

“Halla,” Sana said, glancing out of the window.

“What’s up?” Noora asked.

Sana shrugged half-heartedly. “Nothing. You?”

Noora shrugged back, worrying her lower lip between her front teeth.

“William still bothering you?”

Noora shook her head no. “ I think he got the message. I guess the whole, chasing-the-unattainable girl gets boring after a while for guys like him, too.”

“Hmm,” Sana said.

“I - there’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about,” Noora said slowly. “Something I need your advice on.”

“What?”

“Hypothetically...” Noora swallowed.

“Hypothetically?”

“Let’s say… you liked someone, but you’re friends,” Noora began. “And… this friend… is a girl...”

Sana felt a knot forming in her throat.

“And… you know for certain that she’s into someone else, and she… actually, they dated, but that’s over now,” Noora said. “What should you do?” 

Sana stared at Noora for a moment, feeling her entire face flush. The two girls just looked at one another, and a thousand thoughts raced through Sana’s mind. Did Noora know about her crush on Jamilla? Her stupid, childish crush, which wasn’t going away, no matter how much distance she was putting between them, no matter how much she kept fucking up. Was this some kind of - Sana didn’t even know. A game, maybe? Did Noora think this was funny, bringing this up, teasing Sana about this?

Noora smiled slightly. “Would just strolling up and kissing her be inappropriate, or…?”

“What the fuck, Noora?” Sana snapped suddenly, angrily.

Noora’s eyes widened in surprise. “What?”

“I don’t know what the fuck you think you’re doing, but this isn’t funny,” Sana said, voice harsh.

Noora said nothing for a moment, and then set her jaw. “Do you see me laughing?”

“You don’t know anything,” Sana said, voice cracking. 

She had to bite down on her lip to keep it from trembling. She could already feel the tears welling up in her eyes, and she knew her cheeks were turning a shameful red. She couldn’t even look at Noora anymore; she was so angry and hurt.

“Fine,” Noora said bitterly. “Just- you know, forget it.”

She scooted off of the windowsill and hopped down, the sound of her shoes hitting the linoleum echoing in the empty stairwell. But then Noora didn’t move; she stood, staring Sana down, an angry, flushed look across her face.

“Actually no, don’t forget it,” Noora said, angrily.

“I don’t want to talk about this-”

“Well, I do,” Noora cut her off. “You know, I came to you because I trusted you, Sana. And usually you give really good advice and you’re kind and helpful, but you’re kind of being a bitch right now!”

Sana felt her eyes widen. “I’m being the bitch?”

“Yeah!” 

Her back straightened. “Me? Oh, oh, that’s just - that’s just so rich, Noora.”

“I don’t know what the fuck, Sana, but-”

“You think this is easy for me?” Sana finally blurted out, entire body trembling. “You think I’m not trying, everyday, to just push all my feelings down? To pretend like it doesn’t matter -”

Noora looked enraged. “I can’t even believe what you’re saying -”

“- You think this is normal, like this is just, like we’re two Norwegian girls who-”

“- I can’t even fucking believe this right now, I thought you were, you know, accepting, after all that stuff you said to Vilde -”

“- And I thought you would be a better friend then to just - just say all of this,” Sana was so close to crying, she wanted to just scream. “Can’t you have just - just pretend like everything’s fine, like I’m normal? Like I’m not in love with Jamilla?”

Noora’s mouth was forming words, but then no sound was coming out. A few tears slipped down her cheeks. Her breath hitched.

“I - what?” her voice was hoarse. “I - I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about me.”

Sana’s heart stuttered. “What?”

“I like Eva,” Noora said slowly. “Like-like. You know.”

“I… oh.”

“Yeah.” 

They looked at each other for a few more minutes. Noora finally wiped at her face with the back of her hand, and then fidgeted for a moment. She climbed back into the windowsill tentatively; like she was worried Sana would start screaming at her. Sana just dug around in her bag, pulled out a handkerchief, and passed it over. Noora held it tightly in her fist, crossing her legs.

Sana didn’t know what to say, now.

Her secret was out, again, but she didn’t feel any of that bullshit about feeling lighter or whatever people spouted. Instead, she just felt a headache forming, and she wanted to go lay down. Her stomach was churning uncomfortably, like the adrenaline was still pulsing through her and making her anxious. She could barely focus on Noora’s revelation, still too wound up with her own.

“Does… does your brother know?” Noora asked hesitantly.

Sana nodded her head slowly. “Kind… kind of? My mom guessed that I…"

“Like girls?”

Sana nodded. “And Elias was there, but we didn’t talk about… the details. Or anything.”

“Oh.” Noora paused. “No one knows about… you know. Me. Well. Besides Eskild. And you.”

“Yeah.”

“Do - do you think Jamilla might-”

“No.”

“How do you know?”

“Noora,” Sana said sharply, “Don’t be stupid.”

Noora glanced away.

Sana felt guilt twist in her gut. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” Noora said softly.

Sana cleared her throat. “It’s not. I… shouldn’t have snapped.”

“It’s hard. I know.”

“How… when did you know? About Eva?”

Noora smiled. “After she added me on Facebook and sent me an ‘H.’" 

Sana didn’t know how to respond to that. “Do you think she likes you?”

“I don’t know,” Noora admitted. “But, probably not. I don’t think she likes women.”

“She made out with Vilde-”

“And then afterward just blamed it on being drunk,” Noora said despondently.

They stared at one another for a moment again; sisters in misery. Even though Sana still felt horrible, it was beginning to feel kind of nice, knowing she wasn’t alone.

“What a pair we are,” Sana said finally.

Noora chuckled weakly. “Yeah.”

“What are you going to do?”

Noora sighed. “Probably nothing. I don’t know. You?”

“Definitely nothing,” Sana said. “Jamilla and I... it doesn’t matter, anyway.”

“Yeah.”

“But maybe you should try, with Eva,” Sana said. “At least you’re friends. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“She completely rejects me and is grossed out and our entire bus falls apart?” Noora suggested.

Sana rolled her eyes. “Noora.”

Noora shrugged.

“So you’re not even going to try?” Sana asked.

“Are you going to try with Jamilla?”

Sana didn’t bother to respond; they both knew what the answer would be. She turned to look out of the window.


	8. February 10, 2016

Jamilla didn’t know why she said it, to be honest. She had just seen her aunt and panicked. Jamilla saw her aunt’s calculating eyes, zeroing in on where she and Elias were holding hands, and blurted out the first thing that came to her head.

Jamilla wanted to scream. They were just walking down the street with Sana, headed over to get coffee together. One of the only reasons why Jamilla even bothered holding Elias’s hand was because she knew it would get a rise out of his sister. She knew it was messed up, but she couldn’t help it. And now, she wondered if this was divine retribution for being a terrible, conniving person. 

“Auntie, how great it is to see you,” Jamilla tried to smile, but it formed into a grimace.

“Walaasha, it’s good to see you,” her aunt said, eyes narrowing. “And who are your friends?”

“This is Elias Bakkoush, Auntie, and his sister, Sana,” Jamilla said.

Elias dropped her hand to shake her aunt’s. “Halla, Auntie.”

“Halla,” she said.

She blurted out, “Elias is my fiancé, Auntie.”

As soon as she said it, she felt her face heat up. Her aunt’s look transformed from suspicion to surprise. Jamilla heard Sana make a small choking noise beside her; she didn’t dare turn to look at her friend. She cut her eyes at Elias, who kept his face carefully neutral. He inclined his head towards her subtly, and she prayed he would go along with her harebrained scheme.

“Your parents didn’t tell me you were engaged,” her aunt finally said.

“It’s very recent, Auntie,” Elias said seriously. 

Jamilla felt like the strings on a violin, wound too tightly.

She knew that her parents, her entire extended family, Elias’s parents, and the entire Norwegian Muslim community would know about this as soon as her aunt walked away. She felt an angry rash burn up inside her chest, but continued to smile. She was going to be in for it when she got home, and all because she was acting petty towards her best friend.

And what about poor Elias? 

She knew that he was playing along, that they were both way too young to actually be married. And so far, she was certain that he wasn’t in love with her, that they were just having fun dating. But what if she was wrong? What if he was actually falling for her, and really wanted to get married some day?

She liked Elias, a lot. But just the thought of that made her stomach churn. She wondered if all of this was unfair to Elias. Maybe she should never have started dating him in the first place. Maybe she should’ve just kept her mouth and her heart shut. She was so tired, so tired of trying to validate herself, for keeping it all inside, like a twisted little knot in the middle of her stomach. 

She was going to snap at any moment. 

“We haven’t yet done any of the official formalities, but I couldn’t wait any longer to ask my beloved,” Elias continued.

“How beautiful,” her aunt said, eyes calculating.

“We’re so in love,” Jamilla managed to add. “When Elias mentioned it, I knew that it was the right choice to make. Love is such a gift, from Allah.”

“Yes, yes it is,” her aunt said.

“Well, we better get going, Auntie,” Jamilla said. 

She kissed he goodbye, and watched as Elias and Sana shook her aunt’s hand. Her aunt walked away slowly, looking over her shoulder at them a couple of times before crossing the street. Jamilla stood like a statue, grinding her teeth together as she tried to smile. 

“Fiancé, huh?” Elias was grinning as he took her hand again.

“I panicked!” Jamilla wheezed.

She noticed that Sana didn’t say anything, and just glared at the sidewalk.


	9. April 02, 2016

“Hey,” Chris whispered, tugging on Sana’s sleeve, “Isn’t that the Hijab Police?”

Sana turned slightly and bit back a curse when she saw a number of black scarves. She quickly ducked behind a nail polish display, not wanting to be seen. 

She was shopping for some foundation with Chris, eager to just get out of the house. She hadn’t had an actual conversation with Jamilla in weeks, despite the other girl constantly being at the Bakkoush house. It was like everywhere Sana turned, there Jamilla was, practically hanging off of Elias. If they weren’t giggling in his room, they were hogging the television or studying at the kitchen table. It made Sana feel like a ghost in her own home, drifting from room to room, unseen and alone.

“I don’t think your brother’s fiancé is with them,” Chris said.

That was a relief, at least. “Oh.”

“They’re - oh shit, they’re coming over here!”

“Chris!” Sana hissed, and then yanked her behind the display as well.

Sana kept her head down, but she could still hear them talking over the music playing in the store. 

“Did you hear that she’s going to be doing Russ?” Sana thought that was Fatima speaking.

Alisha, Sana was pretty sure, made a noise of confirmation. “With four Norwegian girls.”

Sana exchanged a look with Chris.

“Her parents let her do that?” Sana thought that must be Farah speaking.

“You know, they let her older brother do it too,” Alisha again. “Him and his buddies. They must have gotten that idea from that Norwegian boy they hang out with.”

Farah said, “The one who looks like a giraffe?”

Indignation burned through Sana. There was no way these girls weren’t talking about her.

“Jamilla doesn’t think it’s such a big deal, but I disagree. You know what boys do on Russ, right?” Fatima said.

“I don’t think it’s that big a deal either,” Alisha sounded nonchalant. “They just waste their time with Norwegian girls and then come back to us afterwards, when they’re ready to settle down.”

“Regardless, it’s not right for a Muslimah to do Russ,” Fatima’s voice was disapproving. 

Farah said, “I don’t know, there’s a few Muslimahs I know who’ve done Russ. They had their own bus-”

“I think that’s different,” Alisha argued. “Because then, you know everyone has the same morals. But doing it with a bunch of white girls...”

“Those friends of hers must be rubbing off on her,” Fatima said. “Hey, isn’t one of them that girl who stole her best friend’s man before her first year?”

“Yah, you know Iben in our class? That was the same girl who her boyfriend, Chris, cheated with,” Alisha said.

“Haven’t they been going to those Penetrators parties, too?” Fatima asked. 

“Yup, I think they got on their bus as well,” Alisha said.

Sana felt rooted to her spot, anger flashing through her. Somehow, this felt so much worse than all the bullying she had endured from her white peers. Yes, she didn’t even like these girls, but who the fuck were they to talk about her, her brother, or her friends like this? Did Jamilla talk shit about her too? All of these judgmental things - is this what Jamilla really thought of her? 

“Well, I hope whatever happens, she’s just careful,” Farah said. “We all know how girls can be, you know…”

Fatima sighed. “I hope she’s looking out for herself.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I don’t see the brand here,” Alisha said. “Should we head over to another shop?”

Sana listened as they all walked away. 

“Wow, bitches,” Chris whispered.

Sana glared at a bottle of blue nail polish.


	10. January 13, 2015

By the time Sana answered her front door, Jamilla was crying.

“Halla,” Sana stopped, the grin dropping off of her face. “Jamilla!”

Jamilla hiccupped, trying to rub her face with the back of her hand. She knew she was smearing her makeup everywhere; when she pulled her hand away, the dark skin was smeared with foundation and smudges of mascara. Rather than say anything to Sana, she pushed her way inside the house, trying to make a beeline for the bathroom before -

“Hey girl, looking goo-” she heard Elias’s voice falter.

“Jamilla!” Sana was calling after her.

Jamilla crashed into the bathroom, practically slamming the door shut behind her. She was crying so hard she thought she was going to be sick. She twisted the latch to lock it, and then lunged for the toilet. Dark spots were dancing in front of her eyes and she bent over the bowl, retching. She had barely eaten anything all day, so the only thing she was spitting up was stomach acid. A sob escaped her. She sat there for a few moments, trying to compose herself. 

“Jamilla?” Elias’s voice, a knock on the door. “Jamilla, are you okay?”

“Is she saying anything?” Sana sounded worried.

“I think she’s throwing up,” Elias answered.

“Should we call Mama?”

“No!” Jamilla croaked out, weakly. 

On shaking legs, she stood up. She flushed to toilet and tripped over to the sink, turning on the cold water. She practically pushed her entire face under the faucet, trying to wash away the make-up and bile. She gargled some of it, right from the tap, before spitting it out. Her fingers scrubbed at her skin, trying to get her face clean. 

When she brought her head back, a tired, naked face with red-rimmed eyes stared back at her. She wanted to ball her hand into a fist and punch the mirror; she hated that she cried when she was angry.

“Jamilla, can we come in?” Sana asked.

She took a shuddering breath before unlocking the door. Sana and Elias peered back at her, concern clear across their faces. Jamilla’s entire body drooped, and she sat down on the edge of the tub. Sana hesitantly stepped inside, sitting on the toilet lid. Elias stayed in the doorway, arms crossed.

“Are you okay?” He asked. 

Jamilla shook her head.

“Did something happen at home?” Sana asked. “Or at school?”

“School,” Jamilla’s voice was hoarse.

A dark look crossed Elias’s face. 

“What happened in school?”

Jamilla kept her eyes trained on the floor, rage pumping through her. “I got suspended.”

Sana gasped. “Wait, why? What happened?”

“This asshole in the cafeteria-” she could feel her eyes welling up again, dammit. 

“Did someone hurt you?” Elias asked, body going rigid.

Jamilla muttered. “He certainly tried.”

“Jamilla?” Sana sounded angry, too.

“I was - I was just in line, waiting for food, standing there, with Helene, minding my own damn business, and then - I hear these like, voices snickering behind me,” Jamilla’s voice was shaking. “And then - ”

“Oh, no,” Sana glared.

“- I felt something, like, someone grabbing my hijab from the back, like, trying to rip my scarf off-”

Elias cursed.

“- So I swung around and punched him in his fucking face,” Jamilla said. “It was - it was this guy in my Spanish class, he’s always making these fucking lewd comments, but I never said anything back cause Helene thinks he’s cute, or whatever-”

“Fuck,” Sana breathed.

“ - And then there was blood everywhere, I think I broke his nose or something,” Jamilla said.

“Good girl,” Elias’s voice was grim.

“Jamilla, I’m so sorry,” Sana said.

Jamilla clenched her fist again, resting it on her knees. Her knuckles throbbed, and she knew they would be sore and bruised in the morning. 

“That’s not even the worse part,” she said. “Helene just - she just fucking stood there, crying and asking why I was so violent, why didn’t I stop first and - ugh.”

“Wait, Heidi started crying?” Sana looked confused. “What the-”

“Helene,” Jamilla corrected her. “But yeah. And then we all got dragged to the principal, and he’s like, fucking sitting there, consoling her! Her!”

“Jackass,” Elias muttered.

“Yeah, and then the asshole is like, whimpering like a child, talking about how I attacked him, unprovoked, and I’m trying to explain what happened, and the principal is just fucking, he’s talking over me, saying violence isn’t the answer-”

She had to take a deep breath to stop herself as more tears leaked out of her eyes. She rubbed the back of her hand across her face, roughly. She needed to calm down, but she couldn't. 

“I’m - Jamilla, I’m so sorry,” Sana said quietly.

“Anyway, then the principal said that the asshole was going to get detention, but that I’m going to be suspended for punching him,” Jamilla glared. “Can you believe this shit?”

Neither Sana nor Elias answer, which Jamilla knew meant yeah, we fucking can. 

“It was fucking horrible,” Jamilla slumped.

When Sana said, “And no one defended you,” it wasn’t a question.

“The Hijab Police did,” Jamilla said. 

“Really?” Sana asked.

Jamilla nodded. “One of them - Farah - she got all my books and put me in a cab and Alisha said she’d get my homework for me and Fatima said she would’ve done the same thing.”

“Oh.”

Elias shook his head. “Jamilla, fuck.”

“I know.”

“What do you need, now?” he asked. “Tell me. Anything.”

She shrugged miserably.

“Why don’t I make some tea,” he said, finally. “Will that be okay?”

“Thanks, Elias.”

After he was gone, Sana leaned closer to Jamilla and enveloped her in a hug. Jamilla breathed out slowly, some of her tense muscles relaxing. She pressed back into Sana, anger slowly draining into fatigue.

“I’m so sorry, Jamilla.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I - ” she felt Sana shake her head. “I can’t believe Hannah just started crying and didn’t do anything.”

“Helene,” Jamilla said. “And you know what?”

“Hmm?”

Jamilla pulled back. “I’m… like, I’m not surprised, anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know why I expected anything different,” Jamilla said. “She made it all about herself. Her and the principal, all they saw was an angry Black girl. Like I wasn’t defending myself, like I wasn’t justified.”

“I-”

“They don’t understand, Sana. They never will because they don’t want to. No wonder the Fatima and them only hang out with each other.”

Sana didn’t say anything in response. Jamilla closed her eyes, and pressed her face into her knees.


	11. January 19, 2016

Sana sat at the kitchen table, eating a carrot and glaring at Elias and Jamilla.

The pair was sitting on the couch, whispering and cuddling while watching something on television. From her spot at the table, she could see Jamilla’s legs, slung over Elias’s lap. All of Elias’s friends were over, but Sana didn't even bother looking at them.

As soon as she saw Elias turn his face towards her, she looked down at her open textbook. The words all blurred together. 

She heard footsteps enter the kitchen. She didn’t look up until she saw Even pull out a chair in her peripheral vision. He had a concerned look on his face. Sana wanted to roll her eyes at him. 

“Halla,” he said.

“Hi.”

“Why don’t you come join us in the living room?” He said. “We’re watching Romeo and Juliet.”

Sana did roll her eyes. “Pass.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just studying.”

“Sana...”

“I’m fine.”

She tried to ignore the concerned look on Even’s face, choosing to stare down at her neatly handwritten notes.

“Is this about Jamilla and Elias dating?”

“No!” Sana snapped her head up. “Why would you even ask me that?”

Even said, so quietly she barely heard him, “I won't tell anyone, Sana.”

“There’s -” she faltered. “There's nothing to tell.”

He pushed. “You like her, don't you? Jamilla.”

Sana purses her lips, heartbeat thrumming like a jackhammer. “Of course I like her, she's my best friend-”

“No,” he said slowly. “Not like that. You know what I'm talking about.”

“I- I don't,” she insisted.

“It's okay, Sana,” he said gently.

Sana’s fingers itched to do something, anything. They gripped the edge of her textbook, yearning to tear at the pages and scratch down the binding. There was a loud roaring in her ears, and she just wanted to escape Even, this conversation, her own emotions. She was drowning in them.

“What do you even know, huh?” She snapped.

He glanced away. “More than you know.”

Sana deflated. 

He continued. “It's not obvious, Sana, don't worry about that. But I can see it, the way you look at her. It's...”

“Yeah?” She breathed.

He cleared his throat. “I recognize that look.”

“How?”

Even glanced into the living room, but Sana didn't know who he was looking at. He tensed like he was expecting her to question him, but she let her mouth shut. Her heart squeezed painfully, feeling his misery come off of him in waves. She had never seen him so open, so down, his normally smiling face tired and melancholy. 

“I don't know what to do,” she whispered finally. . 

Her heartbeat rushing too quickly, every thump of it pounding in her ears. Even’s gentle, concerned face drew closer to hers; his hand reached out, almost touching hers, before he stopped. 

“It’s just a phase,” he said, half angrily. “It will go away.”

“Do you believe that?” She asked, quietly. Almost desperately. 

Mikael’s loud, obnoxious laugh rang through the kitchen. Even glanced towards the living room again, not saying anything for a moment. 

“No,” he said, finally.


	12. May 30, 2016

“Can you keep a secret?” 

Jamilla paused in her bathroom stall, her hand on the latch. She recognized that voice, but wasn't sure how. She wondered if she should stay hidden or make some noise or simply walk out to wash her hands. 

“Yeah of course,” was the answering response. 

That voice was also familiar. Was that Sana’s friend, what was her name, Eva? Quietly, Jamilla moved closer to the door. She pressed her face towards the slim gap in the stall and looked out. It was Eva, and Sana’s other friend, Chris.

“I think there's something wrong with Sana,” Chris said.

Jamilla’s breath hitched.

“Eh?” Eva responded. “Why do you think that?”

“Don't you think she's been… acting really sad lately?”

“I haven't really noticed, no,” Eva said.

“She's been like, spaced out in class, and like, she hasn't been talking a lot. And when she does, it's been really sarcastic lately, don't you think?” Chris asked.

“I don't know,” Eva said. “Sana is always sarcastic.”

Jamilla rolled her eyes.

“But like, it's different from usual. She's not being sarcastic to be funny? She's like, being kind of mean,” Chris said. “Like when Vilde asked her if her brother was allowed to see her hair, and she was like ‘no, actually, no one is allowed to see my hair, not even myself, I have to wear my scarf everywhere, even in the shower,’ and then she muttered ‘dumbass’?”

Jamilla bit down on her lip to keep from snorting with laughter. 

“Yeah, I guess that's worse than usual,” Eva said.

“Yeah!”

“She… has also been complaining about having a lot of headaches lately…”

“See?” Chris said. “I'm really worried about her.”

“You think she's just upset about all the stuff that the Hijab Police have been doing to her?” Eva asked.

Jamilla startled, almost banging her elbow into the stall. She didn't know if she was more surprised or concerned that Eva had just used that term. She frowned, then, remembering the first time she had called her friends that. It has been half a joke, at Sana’s kitchen table. 

Sana must have told her friends about that. Had Sana also told them it was okay for them to use it? Is that what they called her and her friends? And what the fuck did that mean, what “stuff”?

Jamilla felt an angry rash build up in her chest. 

“Nah, and actually she… okay, well. She doesn't think it was them.”

“Wait, what? Why? What about all that going to war shit she was talking about?” Eva sounded confused.

“Okay, uh… so… alright, how do I say this? Sana's plan to get back at them for calling her a slut all over her Instagram and on her locker and stuff was to prove they were hypocrites.”

Jamilla furrowed her eyebrows. Her anger was fading to confusion; did Sana really think she and her friends did all that stuff? They would never -

“How would she prove that?” Eva asked.

“She hacked into her brother’s Facebook to see if him and Jamilla were like, sexting, you know, before they broke up, and then she was gonna publish the messages.”

Jamilla’s blood ran cold. 

“What! That's insane!”

“I know, but I thought it was also badass, no?”

“Chris!”

“Yeah, but anyway, so she and I went onto Elias’s laptop, and looked at a bunch of messages between him and Jamilla,” Chris said. 

Jamilla felt her face heat up, and it was suddenly like her legs weren't working anymore. Her knees buckled, and she had to lean heavily against the stall. Furiously, she tried to think about the messages she had sent to Elias through Facebook messenger, but -

“And?”

“And they were all about Sana, and how much Jamilla missed her. It was kind of sad and sweet at the same time. Elias was basically just asking her if she had told Sana about her feelings and stuff.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yeah. And then there were a bunch where Jamilla was saying that like, she and the Hijab Police were doing some spy shit to figure out who was saying all those nasty things about Sana, that one of the girls thinks it was the Penetrators, and Elias was just like, talking about getting his boys together to beat the shit out of them or whatever,” Chris explained.

“Holy shit,” Eva said. “Talk about Muslim gangsta world.”

Jamilla glared at the stall door. 

“Sana like, freaked out after that, she started crying, and I've never, ever seen her cry. She was just saying that she messed up and all this stuff. But the next morning she said she was fine, she was just really tired and didn't want to talk about it.”

“And it was after that that Sana started acting so weird,” Eva confirmed. 

“Yeah, so, there's something up with her, I think. She obviously isn't fine.” 

“Hmm,” Eva said. 

“Yeah.”

“I mean, we can't make her talk to us,” Eva said. “Though… now that you mention it…”

“What?”

“Her and Noora have been really quiet lately, and they're always texting, too, and like, whispering together,” Eva said. “Maybe Noora knows what's up?”

“Oh, yeah,” Chris said. “We should ask Noora, just to make sure nothing is really terrible. And see if she thinks there's anything we can do to help.”

“Good idea,” Eva said.

They stayed in the bathroom for a few more minutes before exiting. Jamilla stated in the stall, stunned about what she had just heard, and really unsure about what to do with everything she had just learned.


	13. April 24, 2016

Sana was jarred awake by the sound of a harsh, muted thump.

She gasped, blinking into the darkness of her room, disoriented. She waited a few more moments, her heart racing. She heard another thump. Her hands shook, and a frown graced her face. She slowly got out of bed, grabbing her phone from underneath her pillow. There was another noise; it sounded like it was coming from Elias’s room.

Sana crept out of her room and stood at Elias’s door, heart pounding in her chest. When she placed her hand on the knob and tried to turn it, the door was locked. She frowned, about to whisper Elias’s name, when she heard something she hadn’t in a long time; he was sobbing.

She stood before the doorway, unsure of what to do next. 

Then, she heard Elias’s broken voice, half hoarse from crying, filtering through the door. It shook her; he was being too loud, too raw, and the door was too thin.

“Even, it’s Elias, again, please, bro, pick up the phone, I - I’m so fucking worried about you, no one has heard from you in days, you’re my family, man, I - I love you, okay, I need you to talk to me, I’m trying to figure out -” 

There was another choked sob, and the sound of something thumping again. It took Sana a moment to realize that it must have been Elias punching the wall.

She could barely breathe, and had no idea what to do. 

Almost blindly, Sana fumbled back to her room, fingers scrolling through the contacts on her cell phone. She pressed her phone into her face, the ringing on the other end mimicking her heartbeat. She needed to speak to someone, someone who she felt safe around and who she trusted and who would help calm her down. She needed - 

“Hello?” the voice came through the line, sleepy and confused. 

“Jamilla, I- have you talked to Elias lately, I have no idea what’s happening-” 

Sana choked, feeling like she couldn’t breathe at all. She pressed her free hand into her face, fingers digging into her eyelids, shoulders shaking. 

“Sana?”

“I think something happened with Even, do you know what happened?” Sana gasped. “Elias is like, freaking out, he’s punching the wall-”

“Sana, shh, shh,” Jamilla suddenly sounded awake, alert. “It’s going to be okay-”

“I - what do I do?” Sana whispered.

“I don’t know what happened, but just - just give him some space to cry, or cool down, or whatever,” Jamilla said. “Don’t be scared, okay? I can come over in the morning-”

Sana’s stomach suddenly dropped, and she wondered what the fuck she was even doing. Why would she call Jamilla? After their argument, which – fuck, was that really just a few fucking days ago? Their friendship was basically over; Sana had screwed everything up so badly. She could barely hear Jamilla on the line now, trying to reassure her, because her memories were pressing against her –

_You know what, Sana? Fuck this. You think - you think you're so above all of it, so much better than me, and why? Because you're not dating anyone and you have Norwegian friends? Well, great. Good for you. I really hope that makes you happy. I hope- I hope throwing away our relationship was worth it._

“I - I shouldn’t have called,” Sana said, the words slipping out.

“Wait, Sana-”

“Sorry to bother you,” she said quickly. “It - I won’t -”

“Sana, please no, I really - I need you, I want you to talk to me, please, I-”

“This was a mistake, it was stupid, sorry,” Sana said. “Forget about it.”

She hung up the phone before she could start crying over the line. She took a shuddering breath anyway and tossed her phone onto the bed, unsure of what to do with her hands. Everything felt too intense, too raw. She wanted to berate herself, what the fuck was she even thinking -

There was a soft knock on her door, and she jumped.

Sana quickly wiped at her face, trying to remember how to breathe, before going to open the door. 

It was Elias.

She took one look at his bloodshot eyes and blotchy face, and didn’t know what to say. He choked out her name and then started crying. 

Sana moved forward and enveloped him in a hug, wishing that she could do anything to help him. Wishing she had the right answers. Wishing that everything wasn’t so fucked up and that she was a better person, a better sister. Wishing that she could wholeheartedly support Elias, when all she was thinking about was her own feelings for Jamilla and how much regret she had built up in her heart. 

The weight of everything she had kept inside for so long, all of her secrets, were threatening to pull her down and keep her there. She opened her mouth, but it was too dry, and no words came out.

Elias wrapped his arms around her, and they stood in her doorway.


	14. May 3, 2016

Farah, Fatima and Alisha got suspiciously quiet when Jamilla dropped her tray onto the lunch table.

“What?” Jamilla snapped, feeling cranky.

“Nothing,” Alisha said, much too quickly.

Jamilla glared at her friends, a headache forming near her temples. She dug an aspirin out of her bag and popped it into her mouth, before chugging down half of her water bottle. 

“Has anyone done their Norwegian homework?” Fatima asked, opening her notebook. “I completely blanked-”

“You were talking about Sana, weren't you?” Jamilla asked, voice harsh. 

“No!” Farah squeaked.

“I thought I told you that I didn't want to-”

“You know, Jamilla, that fight you had… it was intense,” Alisha said softly. “It wouldn't hurt to talk to us about it-”

“Didn't I tell you to drop it already?” 

“Okay, okay,” Farah said softly.

An uneasy quiet descended on the table. Jamilla wished she were anywhere but there, in the cafeteria, in school, on this planet. 

“We weren't talking about that, anyway,” Fatima finally said, quietly. “Have you been on her Instagram lately?”

Jamilla shook her head. She had unfollowed Sana on most of her social media accounts. It had just hurt too much, to see her, laughing and smiling and happy, after Sana had basically decided Jamilla wasn't even worth looking at. Jamilla pressed her palms into her eyes until she saw stars. 

“Well-” Alisha hesitated. “Some fake account, allah9753, keeps posting ‘slut’ all over her photos-”

“What?” Jamilla's head popped up.

Farah pulled out her phone, typed something in, and then passed it over to Jamilla. It was Sana’s Instagram; rude messages were written in the comments of all her photos. 

“It started happening after she began hanging out with those Penetrators,” Fatima said, shaking her head. “It's disgusting. It's probably one of those Norwegian girls, on their high horse-”

“Why can't they ever just leave us alone?” Farah said despondently. “No Muslim girl can do anything without one of them saying something slick-”

“So, what are we going to do?” Alisha asked.

Jamilla’s head was spinning. She passed Farah her phone back, gritting her teeth.

“What are we going to do?” She repeated.

“Yeah. It's obvious her friends aren't doing anything about it,” Fatima said, the words ‘friends’ coming out like she tasted something sour.

“We have to look out for each other,” Alisha said. 

Farah’s voice was small. “I remember being on the receiving end of shit like that, in middle school- shit. I just… why are they so awful to us?”

No one said anything for a moment.

Fatima cleared her throat. “Sana is a good person. A little rough, but - anyway. You like her-”

Jamilla blushed and glared down at the table.

“-Then we can’t let them get away with this,” Fatima finished.

“We’ll figure out who it is, no problem,” Alisha nodded.


	15. August 10, 2014

Sana was lazily dribbling a basketball, about to take a shot, when Jamilla’s voice distracted her.

“You’re so good at that,” she said.

Sana looked over to Jamilla, who was sitting in the grass, off to the side of the court. She was blinking the sunlight out of her eyes and smiling, wriggling her toes in the grass.

“Good at what?”

“Basketball, sports,” Jamilla said, waving her hand. “You should join a league, or something.”

Sana snorted dismissively and dribbled the ball a few times. “Yeah, right.”

Jamilla frowned. “Why not?”

“Most of the girl’s teams are full of stuck-up Norwegian girls,” Sana said. “And it’s not like I could do it professionally.”

“Of course you could,” Jamilla’s frowned deepened. “You’re amazing! You’re twice as good at the boys are, and I bet those girls are just be jealous of how great you are.”

Sana sighed, and wandered over to sit down next to Jamilla. Their hands brushed as she settled herself; Sana felt her face heat up, and closed her eyes for a brief moment.

“Leagues like FIBA don’t allow headgear, religious reasons or not,” Sana said.

Jamilla pursed her lips. “Yeah, now. But I saw that they might be overturning the rules, like they’re having a conference or something in September-”

Sana shifted uncomfortably. “It doesn’t matter. Look, I’m just playing for fun. I need to focus on something tangible, anyway, like medicine, like my parents.”

Jamilla sighed. “Yeah, okay.”

Sana knocked her shoulder into Jamilla’s. “But thanks for believing in me.”

Jamilla smiled again, and glanced over at Sana. “You’re amazing.”

Sana’s breath hitched in her throat, and she wasn’t sure what to say next. Her entire body was buzzing and warm, and it wasn’t just from the sunshine. She tried to tear her gaze from Jamilla’s face but found that she couldn’t. Even after Jamilla chuckled softly and turned her eyes down, Sana just found herself looking, trying to drink in the moment.

She wasn’t sure exactly when it started, these feelings she had for Jamilla. Maybe it was the first time Jamilla ever stood up for her, and Sana was overwhelmed with gratitude and awe. Maybe it was the first time Jamilla made her laugh when she wanted to scream, and Sana was filled with joy and anticipation. 

Whenever it happened, it felt all encompassing. Something that was sweet but too much at the same time. Sana didn’t know what to do, so she did nothing, and hoped that it would just go away. Because this, these feelings… she couldn’t imagine any good coming out if it. 

It would be easier, for everyone, if her crush would just… go away. 

Sana tried to shake herself out of it. “I can’t believe you’re starting high school soon. Uranienborg is going be so boring and terrible without you. I’m probably gonna get in like, a fight a day with those numskulls.”

“You’ll be fine,” Jamilla said. “You’re strong, you’ll keep your head above it all.”


	16. April 22, 2016

Jamilla found Sana standing at her locker, hunting through it for something. 

She threw her shoulders back and loudly cleared her throat, waiting for any kind of reaction. She watched as Sana’s body tensed, and then she slammed the locker door shut. She slowly turned around, a carefully blank look on her face, with just one eyebrow raised. The entire thing made Jamilla even more pissed off. But she tried to keep her voice calm, even though her hands were sweating. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest. 

“Sana,” Jamilla said.

“Yah?” Sana asked in a bored tone.

“I don’t know what’s been up with you lately, but we need to talk.”

“Nothing’s been up with me,” Sana shrugged. 

Jamilla grit her teeth. “Obviously something is, because-”

“Look, I really don’t have anything to say to you,” Sana shrugged again. “So, if you wanna talk, then talk.”

Jamilla narrowed her eyes. “Okay, fine, I will. Let’s start with how you’ve been completely blowing me off all year, huh? You don’t answer my texts, you skip out on all of our plans, you pretend I’m not even alive when I’m at your house -”

“Wow, that's rich, considering all you do when you come over is be with Elias,” Sana muttered.

“What?”

“I never thought you'd be one of those girls who dropped everything just because of a boy,” Sana said. 

Jamilla’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck, Sana. That's so unfair. I always invite you and his friends to hang out with us!”

Sana rolled her eyes.

“And you know what, I've tried to make plans with you, just the two of us, for weeks! And you've stood me up every single time!” Jamilla was heated. 

“Yeah, well, maybe you should take the hint then,” Sana snapped.

Jamilla shifted her weight, trying to remind herself to keep cool. She could feel hot tears welling up in her eyes, and she fucking hated it. She wasn't going to cry, not in the middle of the hallway. 

“I can't be bothered, Sana. If you didn't want-” she almost choked, and cleared her throat. “If you don't like me anymore or don't want to be friends, you should've just said that. I thought that I meant more to you than that-”

“Oh, like I mean anything to you?” Sana scoffed.

“What does that even mea-”

“I think it's clear we just - we just grew apart. I'm interested in new things-”

“Like Russ?” 

Jamilla sneered, but the moment the words dropped out of her lips, she wanted to stuff them back in.

Sana's face turned cold. “Yeah. Like Russ, and like, hanging out with girls who aren't such judgmental bitches. You know, my new friends, they may not be perfect, but they haven't turned their backs on me. They don't talk shit like other people do.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Why don't you go back to the Hijab Police and figure it out?”

“Oh, really?” Jamilla scoffed. “Wow, okay. Is that what this is all about? You have - you're clueless, Sana. You have no idea who my friends are or how great they can be-”

“Whatever.”

Jamilla nodded, feeling absolutely done. “Okay, fine. Whatever. Great.”

She turned on her he to storm off, so angry her entire body felt like it was on fire. She wanted to scream at someone or punch something. She had no idea what the fuck had just happened, but she was so overwhelmed, the hot tears were already running down her cheeks -

She stopped, taking quick, hard breaths, before turning back to Sana. Who, fuck, was still standing there, looking as passive and unaffected as fucking always.

“You know what, Sana? Fuck this. You think - you think you're so above all of it, so much better than me, and why? Because you're not dating anyone and you have Norwegian friends? Well, great. Good for you. I really hope that makes you happy. I hope-” Jamilla’s voice cracked. “I hope throwing away our relationship was worth it.”

She stormed away before Sana could see her crying anymore.


	17. June 1, 2016

Sana walked out of Nissen, her body half turned to look at Vilde while she was talking. A laugh bubbled up in her; she shifted her face to watch where she was going. Without really seeing, her eyes caught onto a tall boy, standing across the courtyard, looking nervous.

Sana’s joy died in her throat and she almost tripped down the stairs. 

Even was standing there. 

“Sana, you okay?” Vilde asked. 

“I - yeah, I just - I’ll text you later, okay?” Sana said.

“We have a bus mee-”

“Bye Vilde,” Sana said, and then briskly walked away.

Her heart was pounding so hard she could hear its beat in her ears. As she navigated around different groups, standing around and laughing, she tried to figure out what she was going to say. But her mind was completely blank, thinking only about the night that she held her brother as he cried. She stopped a few feet away from Even, her arms itching to reach out and hug him. Her eyes tracked over his face, sallow and hesitant.

“Where have you been?” she blurted out.

He swallowed. “Hi to you too, Sana.”

She took his arm, fingers gripping his sleeves tightly, and began to pull him towards the street. “Hi. Where have you been?”

“I -” he paused, feet tripping after her. “Not here.”

They ended up at one of Sana’s favorite spots, a bench overlooking most of the city. It was somewhere she liked to go to be alone, where she could slump and just stare at nothing for hours. There, it was a spot where she just didn’t have to pretend. She didn’t have to hide her feelings away or prove herself to anyone. She could just sit. Exist. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” she blurted out. “I haven’t seen you in weeks, and Elias was freaking out, he said you haven’t been to school in almost a month, but he - none of the boys were saying anything-”

She cut herself off, reminding herself to be patient. If Even was here, it was for a reason. She didn’t need to be worked up, and push him away, the way she did with - 

Sana cleared her throat. She waited for Even to speak, shooting him a sidelong glance. He was silent for almost ten minutes, like he was working up his courage. 

“I tried to kiss Mikael,” Even said, finally. 

Sana bit her lip. “Oh.”

He chuckled humorlessly. “Yeah. Oh.”

“What happened?” Sana asked hesitantly. “Did he - did he freak out?”

“No,” Even said quietly. “He was… cool about it. Told me that I was his best friend but he’s not gay.”

“Oh,” Sana said softly.

“He said that Allah didn’t make him that way, but if He did, he would totally want to be with me,” Even said, a small, sad smile on his lips.

Sana didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry, Even.”

“I know he was trying but I...”

“What?”

“I was humiliated anyway,” Even said. “I was so fucking stupid. I shouldn’t have even...”

“You weren’t stupid, you were brave,” Sana said. “That’s… it’s better than what I’ve been, lately.”

Even shook his head. “I fucked up.”

“Telling someone how you feel isn’t fucking up,” Sana said softly. “And the guys - I know Mikael loves you-”

“Please,” Even’s voice was soft, pained.

Sana bit her lip. “Elias is worried about you, Even. Me too, and the boys. We all are.”

Even buried his face in his hands. Sana leaned against him, her heart breaking. She had no idea what to do, no clue what to say to him. 

“I’m sorry,” she repeated softly.

“I just - I just need a break, for a while,” he said. “I’m - I’m not going back to Bakka. I’m transferring.”

“What?”

“To Nissen. I’ll have to do my whole third year over, next year, but - ” he sounded like he was holding back tears. “I can’t go back, Sana.”

“Even, stop,” Sana put her arm around him, trying to pull his face towards her. “That’s - I know it looks bad and it feels worse, but don’t do that. The guys, they’re so worried-”

“It’s not just that, Sana,” Even said. 

Sana bit her lip. 

“I think… I need help,” he said. “Serious help. There’s… it’s a lot. So, I’m going away for a bit. But I’ll be back, in September.”

He finally lifted his face back up. Sana felt like she was floundering. She didn’t know what to do, besides squeeze him closer to her, hand gripping his shoulder like a vice. 

“Is there anything I can do?” her voice was hesitant.

He shook his head. “No. I just… wanted to tell someone. And I know, beneath that mean mug, you worry. You care so much.”

Sana shook her head, throat tight.

“I can’t… the boys, I can’t, not… yet,” he said. “Will you promise me, not to tell them?”

Sana looked away. “I don’t know if I can keep his from Elias.”

“Then just tell him I’m okay, that I texted you, and just went to visit family, or something,” Even said quickly. “Sana, please.”

Guilt ate at her stomach. “Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” she said softly. 

“Thank you,” he sounded relieved.

“Only if you message me over the summer, to let me know you’re safe,” she said. “And - and in September, we’ll come up with a plan, for you to talk to Elias and the boys. Okay?”

Even took a deep breath. “I - Sana -”

“Even.”

“I - I’ll text you. But about September… I don’t know. Maybe is all I can give you right now.”

“Okay,” Sana nodded slowly. 

“Okay.”

They sat for a few more minutes.

Then, he started to speak again. Even’s voice was small, smaller than she had ever heard before. 

“Do you think… who I am… who… because of who we love… that...”

“What?”

“I was… ” He shook his head.

“Even?”

“Some of Mikael’s family… before this… I’ve heard them, talking. About… how Allah thinks we’re… sinning….” he paused. “You know. Being gay. Or pan. Or bi. Whatever.”

Sana swallowed, a lump in her throat.

“Do you think that’s true?” 

“No,” she whispered back. “I can’t believe that.”

He said, “Mikael doesn’t either. That’s… I mean, it’s part of why I thought… but...”

“But?”

“Aren’t there verses, you know, In the Quran...” he shook his head. “And in the Bible, too. If so many religions think that…”

“There’s nothing in the Quran that says we are haram,” Sana said. “And not in the Bible either. That’s - it’s what people interpret. They take - they make up these rules, about who is good and who isn’t, and apply these - these prejudiced things. They don’t see how being kind, giving to others, being open to love… those are the things that matter.”

Even tipped his head back. “I don’t know.”

Sana opened her mouth to speak, but heard her mother’s voice instead -

_“My dear, I love you, so much. You’re sweet and strong and smart, and those are the things that matter. It’s more important to me how you love then whom you love. And that whoever you share your life with has the same values and the same kindness that you carry with you.”_

“Anyone who uses Islam to preach hate instead of love doesn’t believe in Islam,” Sana said finally.

Even closed his eyes for a moment. “You’re a good person, and a good friend, Sana.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do,” he said. “Thank you.”

Sana didn’t say anything.

“Have you...” he paused. “You know, Elias and Jamilla are broken up.”

“That happened awhile ago.”

“You should tell her how you feel,” Even said. 

Sana snorted, pain rippling through her chest. Why did everyone keep telling her that?

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’m serious,” Even said. “I know it might sound… hypocritical… but… I think you should.”

Sana didn’t answer.

“At least think about it,” he whispered.

Sana sighed. “Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”


	18. November 9, 2014

Sana perused Jamilla’s collection of nail polishes, making small noises every time she found a cute, dark color. Jamilla sat on her bed, watching her; she swung her legs off, wondering if she should go make some snacks or wait until dinner.

“Oh, did I tell you, Helene and I have to work with one of the Hijab Police for a biology project?” Jamilla asked.

“Hmm?” Sana turned, a bottle of dark purple polish in her hand. “What was that about Henrietta?”

“Helene,” Jamilla said. “We have to work with Fatima, one of the Hijab Police, and this other guy, Erik, for a biology project.”

“How’s that going so far?”

Jamilla shrugged. “We already met in Erik’s house to do an outline, and it was kind of weird.”

“How?”

Jamilla hummed. “He kept hitting on me the entire time. Asking if there was any part of the project that we could do, just me and him, over dinner.”

“Wait, really?” Sana’s mouth turned into a frown.

Jamilla laughed. “Yeah, it was so weird. Then after, Helene told me he asked if I was allowed to date Norwegian boys.”

“That’s...”

“Yeah, I know! Totally annoying!”

Sana smiled, and then moved to sit on the bed. “Yeah?”

“Ugh, yeah. I mean, he’s cute, I guess, but I’m not interested in him, or like, any guys right now,” Jamilla said dismissively.

“Not any guys?” Sana asked, picking at a thread on Jamilla’s bedspread.

“Hmm? Yeah. I don’t think men are worth the effort, do you?”

Sana didn’t say anything. 

Jamilla shrugged. “They’re so… ugh. You know? They’ll probably take up more effort then it’s worth to date them.”

“What do you mean?” Sana said, voice curious.

“Well, for starters, everyone knows boys lie,” Jamilla said. “I don’t want to have to be with someone I’ll need to like, check up on every minute to make sure they’re not cheating, or something.”

Sana tilted her head. “Jamilla. No one would ever even think to cheat on you.”

“Yeah, because I wouldn’t be dating them,” Jamilla winked, “so they won’t be cheating.”

Sana blushed and turned away. Jamilla stared at the color rising on Sana’s cheeks. It made Jamilla smile, and warmth unfurled in her stomach. She wanted to reach forward and tease Sana about it. 

“Uhm, anyway,” Sana muttered. 

“Yeah, anyway. It’s been okay otherwise. And you know, Fatima isn’t actually that bad.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Jamilla said, feeling a pang of guilt. “I actually feel bad about calling her and her friends the Hijab Police. They’re actually really down to earth and sweet. A little gossipy, but...”

Sana bit her lip. “Well. I’m glad you’re making so many friends.”

Jamilla paused, furrowing her brow. Sana sounded a little bitter, and her shoulders were hunched slightly. A soft look crossed Jamilla’s face, and she felt something dislodge, somewhere in her heart. She leaned over towards Sana, covering her hand with her own. Her heart started beating too fast as she watched Sana flush.

“Sana, you know that no one could ever replace you, right?” Jamilla asked quietly.

Sana’s fingers flexed. “I know.”

“Don’t we always have each other’s backs?” Jamilla said. “That will never change. When you come to Nissien, I’m gonna look out for you, just like I did at Urra.”

“I know.”

“You’re my best friend.”

Sana titled her face up, eyes intense as she looked back at Jamilla. Jamilla felt her pulse quicken, and her hand closed over Sana’s, holding it gently. She dipped her tongue out slightly, wetting her lips, watching Sana’s eyes. 

“You’re mine, too.”

“Nothing will change that, okay?”

Sana’s breath hitched, and then she looked away. “Okay.”

“I mean it!”

Sana laughed, sounding breathless. “I know, I know!”

Jamilla finally dragged her hand away from Sana’s. It felt cold and empty, and for a moment, Jamilla wanted nothing more than the put it back. To hold Sana’s hand in her own, and squeeze tightly. 

“You - you better know,” Jamilla, said, then cleared her throat.

Sana laughed. “Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go down and see if dinner’s ready,” Sana said after a moment, getting up from the bed. “I’m starving.”


	19. May 9, 2016

Jamilla waited for Elias outside of Bakka, sitting on a low wall, swinging her legs back and forth. Her eyes scanned the groups of students, before she finally spotted Mikael and Yousef. They were slumped slightly, looking like they were having a serious conversation. They almost walked right by her without noticing her, making Jamilla frowned. 

She was about to call out to them when she saw Elias stroll towards her, throwing a wave at Adam. Jamilla stood up, gripping the straps of her backpack with both hands. She tried to smile at Elias, but she knew it looked more like she was just baring her teeth. 

“Halla,” Elias said, stopping a few feet away from her.

Jamilla leaned in to kiss his cheek, but he turned his face away with a sigh. Jamilla ended up kissing the spot just below his ear.

She pulled away and frowned at him. Elias gestured back towards the wall, slouching onto it himself. Jamilla slowly lifted herself back on the wall, scraping her palm against the concrete.

“You okay?” she asked. “Besides -”

“He still hasn’t come back to school,” Elias sighed. 

“Want to talk about it?”

He shook his head. “I actually - there’s something else, I think, we have to...”

Jamilla frowned. “What?”

Elias lifted his face up. “We need to talk about you and Sana.”

Jamilla scowled. So far, she had avoided talking about Sana to Elias, and she liked it that way. It was an awkward situation for all of them, now that she and Sana were - what? Not friends anymore? Just fighting? Jamilla didn’t even know. Especially because Sana and Elias weren’t just siblings, they were good friends. And Elias would do anything to make sure that Sana was okay, that she wasn’t getting stuck in her own feelings. Jamilla didn’t want to get between that, so she had stayed silent about it all.

“We don’t have to do anything, really,” Jamilla answered.

Elias gave her a calculating look. “Jamilla, come on.”

Jamilla crossed her arms over her chest. “Fine. What do you want to talk about?”

“I just...” Elias ran his hand over his short hair. “I know that things have been rough between you guys, ever since… shit, I don’t know. You used to be so close, and now you barely look at each other.”

Jamilla shrugged. “I - Elias, I’ve been trying. It’s Sana who won’t even talk to me.”

“Yeah, but, you know how Sana is,” Elisa said. “She keeps everything all bottled up, like she has to be tough all the time. Have you tried, really tried, to figure out what’s happening?”

Jamilla was growing annoyed. “Yeah, Elias I have!”

“Well, maybe you should try again,” Elias said.

“Why?” Jamilla snapped.

Elias looked confused. “Why?”

“Yeah, why? How come it has to be me who always reassures her, who always has to talk about my feelings? I’m so tired of making the effort, of apologizing, of embarrassing myself. Sana has made it really fucking clear that she doesn’t - I don’t know, that she doesn't like me anymore, or something, and I’m not going to keep begging her to be in her life-”

“Jamilla, hold on -”

“She’s so fucking stubborn, and it’s not fair! Maybe I need to be reassured that my friendship is worth it!” Jamilla glared. “Shit, half the time I don’t know if I want to just grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she grows some damn sense or kiss her senseless!”

Elias’s mouth dropped open, and his entire body froze. Jamilla watched, still angry and confused, as the look in Elias’s eyes sharpened from surprise to a gentle understanding. They sat there quietly together for a split second, while Jamilla’s brain caught up with what she had just said. 

Oh.

Oh.

Wait.

Where did that come from?

“I...” Jamilla started, but then had no idea what to say next.

A grin spread across Elias’s face, slow and steady. “You like Sana.”

“I - what?”

“You do, you like her,” Elias said, eyes sparkling. “You have a crush on her.”

“What?”

Jamilla’s heart was racing, and she felt like she was sweating everywhere. She was so confused. 

But she wasn’t confused about liking Sana. That, it felt like it made sense. Like Elias had finally put to words a feeling that had always been simmering, right below her skin, nestled between all of her nerves. She thought about how beautiful Sana was, how much she loved making her smile, how important all of their conversations had always been, that ever-present need to protect her - and it just, it all aligned. 

Yeah.

She liked Sana.

What she was confused about was - well, how could she have not known this? And - shit - what did this even mean?

“I… like Sana,” Jamilla said, eyes wide as she stared back at Elias.

“Yeah,” Elias said.

“I - oh, oh shit,” Jamilla grabbed Elias’s arm frantically. “Elias - I’m so sorry.”

“What?”

“Please I - I’m not trying to tell you how to feel, of course, but don’t be mad at me,” Jamilla said in a rush. “I - I genuinely care for you, and I wasn’t - I would never use you, or anything -”

“Jamilla, please,” he said softly, covering her hand with his own. “It’s okay. I’m not mad.”

She swallowed. “You’re not?”

He shook his head. “No. I feel kind of dumb, but I’m not mad. I honestly should’ve seen this sooner.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jamilla said wryly.

They sat quietly for a few moments, Jamilla lost in her own thoughts. 

Elias grinned. “I guess this means the engagement is off.”

“Ugh,” Jamilla pulled her hand away, and rubbed at her face. “Oh. Oh Elias. Yeah.”

“This is the most peaceful break up I’ve ever had,” Elias said.

Jamilla smiled. “I - Elias, I really enjoyed dating you. I hope you know that. You’re wonderful.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Elias smiled.

“No, I mean it,” Jamilla tipped her head back. “It’s been so much fun. No drama, no stress.”

“Yeah, but you know, that’s probably a sign that we should’ve ended it sooner, you know?” Elias said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we’ve been dating a while, and neither one of us is upset,” Elias said. “I’m not saying it has to be all drama all the time, but we never even had a fight, you know? How boring.”

“Hey!”

Elias nudged his shoulder against hers. “Come on. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Jamilla said. “I… kind of feel relieved.”

Elias’s voice was got quiet. “I know what you mean.”

“I am sorry though, Elias.”

“You don’t have to be-”

“I know. But still.”

Elias titled his head. “You know I love you, right?” 

Jamilla’s breath caught in her throat. “Uh, I-”

“Not like that!” Elias said hurriedly. “As a friend. A great friend. And I love Sana too. I… you’re good for each other, you know? When you’re not fighting.”

Jamilla huffed. “Yeah.”

“And I’m happy for you,” he said. 

“Thanks.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

Jamilla froze. “What?”

“Sana, are you going to ask her out?”

Jamilla’s nerves got the best of her; she wanted to start laughing. When she spoke, her voice was too high-pitched; it grated at her own ears, teasing at her already fraying nerves. There was too much happening in one conversation, no matter how sweet and kind Elias was being. 

“Sana’s not even talking to me, remember?” Jamilla’s voice hitched. 

“But-”

“No, no buts, she probably - I think she really hates me, right now,” Jamilla said.

“That’s not true, Jamilla, come on.”

“Maybe - maybe we could be friends again, one day,” Jamilla said. “But - but girlfriends? She - does she even like girls?”

Elias paused. “I think she likes you-”

Jamilla shook her head. “I can’t be bothered, Elias. I don’t think - oh shit, and anyway, what am I going to tell my parents? How am I - shit, do I have to tell them I like girls? Like one specific girl? And what - What would - would she tell yours? I-”

“Jamilla-”

“Elias -”

“Look, just breathe, okay? Just - calm down. You don’t have to think about all that now, okay. I just - I think it’s worth a shot,” Elias interrupted her. “Life is happening right now, right this moment. We gotta - don’t you think, we gotta let the people we love know how much we love them while they’re still around? Then, when - ”

He cut himself off, voice sounding thick. Jamilla gently put her arm around his shoulder, leaning against his gently. Elias took a few deep breaths, and then shook his head. They sat silently, pressed into each other, trying to drawn support from one another. 

“After everything that’s happened, with Even, I just think it’s important for us all to be more honest, more open,” Elias said. “You never know what’s going to happen.”

“What if she hates me?” Jamilla whispered.

“She won’t.”

“But, what if -”

“Think positively,” Elias said. “And look, you always got me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll take you back if Sana rejects you, no problems.”

Jamilla laughed, startled, and pushed Elias off of her. He was grinning back. 

“Yeah, okay. Thanks a lot.”

“No problem,” he winked. “But, seriously, Jamilla...”

“Yeah?”

“It’s going to work out, I believe that. Okay? Just talk to her, I think she’ll surprise you. Even if she… doesn’t share your feelings, she loves you.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “She’ll always be there for you. You’re best friends.”

Jamilla knew that he wasn’t only thinking about Sana, but about Even. She didn’t know what else to say, so she simply nodded, and leaned against him again.


	20. May 6, 2016

The front door slammed, and Sana jumped from her spot at her desk. Slowly, she crept into the hallway, a clear view of the living room from where she hid. She could see her mother storm towards Elias, throwing her oven mitts down on the couch.

“That is enough,” her mother said, voice calm and steady. 

Sana watched, eyes wide, as her mother stood in front of her brother, hands on her hips, staring right at Elias. Sana slowly snuck closer, trying not to be seen, her entire body tense with nerves. Elias was muttering something, maybe a half-assed apology, and tried to push past their mother.

“Elias. Stop,” their mother pointed. “Now, I’ve tried to give you space, trust, but enough is enough. What is going on with you?”

“Nothing,” he glared.

“Elias Muhammad Bakkoush, don’t you ‘nothing’ me,” their mother said. “I carried you for nine months and then raised you these past nineteen years to not know what’s wrong with you.”

“Ma-”

“Shush. You’ve been moody and aggravated for weeks now, and nothing has changed your mood. You barely wanted to celebrate your birthday, and the boys haven’t been around in ages. Tell me. What happened?”

Elias crossed his arms over his chest and remained silent. Sana bit down on her lip, anxiety and sadness tugging at her heartstrings as she watched the pair. 

“Elias,” it as their mother’s warning voice, the one she rarely used, unless something serious had happened.

Elias shrugged, turning his face away. It was the same stance he had been using with Sana all week, the same one that he always used when something was bothering him and he didn’t feel like talking about it. 

“I’m only going to repeat myself once, Elias,” their mother said.

Elias huffed, like he was fed up with the whole thing, and then began to shout. 

“Nothing, Ma, okay, nothing! Just that everything is totally fucked, I have no idea where - never mind.”

“Don’t raise your voice at me,” their mother said, calmly. “Now. What’s ‘totally fucked’?”

Sana almost gasped; she had never heard her mother curse in her entire life, ever. Elias looked equally as shocked; he suddenly deflated, as if all the fight had gone out of him just from that one word. He stared at their mother like he had actually never seen her before, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips half-open. 

“I -” he faltered.

“Elias,” her voice was quiet now, caring. “Whatever it is, we can get through it.”

He slumped. “I know, Ma.”

“Talk to me.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Why… Ma, how can you… how can I… be part of a religion that teaches us to hate people that are different from me?”

Their mother startled, and Sana’s breath caught in her throat. 

“There are people who claim to be Muslim, who all they do is talk shit and carry hate and look down on others,” Elias said slowly. “And then there are people who are Muslim - or who aren’t Muslim, whatever, who are… okay. Who are gay, but they are so good, Ma. They live moral lives and they love so fully and they care, more than… more than anything...”

“Elias-”

“And even - even back home, in Morocco, it’s illegal to be gay but not to - not to hit your wife or - I don’t know,” frustration grew on Elias’s face. “And the law is supposed to mirror Allah’s wishes, no? So why is loving someone else so fucking wrong, but actively hurting someone - shit. I - Ma, how can I follow Allah, follow Islam, when all people seem to get from it is hate?”

Their mother’s voice was soft, confused. “Elias, where is this coming from?”

Elias shook his head. 

“Elias, I want you to listen to me now, okay?”

He was silent, but nodded slowly. Their mother took a deep breath, like she was trying to prepare herself. Sana felt tense, her hands shaking so much she had to shove them into the pockets of her hoodie. 

“Hate doesn’t come from Islam, it comes from fear,” her mother said. “Allah doesn’t teach us to hate anyone or to fear them. He teaches us to love everyone, to meet them with kindness. And if someone finds a different message than that… that is something they must learn to live with, with the fact that they claim to follow Islam, but do not know what it is truly about.”

Elias tilted his head down, remaining quiet.

“I believe that goodness doesn’t come from following one religion, but by following good morals. Allah reminds me of the important things in life, of the beauty and the struggle that is all worthwhile. And it is important to me that you and your sister are Muslim, because I want - I hope - that you find the same grace that I do. That it will help guide you, keep you on the right path. But that doesn’t mean that anyone who isn’t Muslim is bad. People can be good or they can be bad, and their religion, sometimes, has very little to do with that.”

“Even if they’re gay?”

“Even if they’re gay, Elias.” she paused. “Now… some Muslims don’t think the same way I do. But, there are almost two billion of us in the world. We will not agree on everything. But I hope, that one day, we will all be able to agree that goodness… that we are all made from love. So who you love… how can that be haram?”

“Does it really matter that you think that, Ma, when… it seems like people in power don’t?”

“I think it does, Elias,” she said, a smile in her voice. “Because… I hope… I have passed that on to you and your sister. Just as there are many parents, in Morocco, who have passed that on to their children. And then… maybe not this year, or the next, or in ten years… but then, you will be the ones who make the laws. And yes, things are… complicated…. Back home, but it’s complicated everywhere.”

“Yeah,” Elias’s voice was small. “Yeah, okay, Ma.”

“Now, will you tell me where this all came from?”

Elias hesitated. “I don’t think it’s my place to tell you.”

“Elias?”

“I’m… thank you, Ma, really,” he said. “I… I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting. But… I can’t tell you who… what… I just have a lot to think about.”

They were both silent. 

Then, their mother’s voice was so soft, Sana barely heard her ask, “Is this about Sana?”

Sana’s heart stopped in her chest; Elias furrowed his brow.

“What?”

“I… notice things about my children, Elias,” she said. “And there’s been… I think Sana...”

“Ma,” Elias was shaking his head softly.

“I won’t tell her that you said anything,” their mother said.

“I… it’s not...” Elias said. “ I don’t… ”

“I worry for you both,” she continued. “Especially Sana. Being a Muslim woman. And… adding… something else...”

Elias’s voice was quiet. “Ma, I don’t know.”

Sana didn’t realize she was crying until she heard the sob escape her lips. 

She watched, almost in slow motion, as Elias and their mother turned towards her. Elias blanched; their mother’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Sana could do nothing but bend her head down, shuddering, as she brought her fingers up to roughly wipe at her cheeks.

“Oh, oh, my love,” she heard her mother say.

Suddenly, arms were enveloping her. And she smelled her mother’s perfume and felt her soft hands press into her back. Sana cried, moving her face into her mother’s neck, the cloth of her scarf rubbing against her forehead. Moments later, she felt another set of arms, stronger and tighter, hugging her as well.

“Sana,” Elias’s voice was soft.

Sana wasn’t even sure why she was crying, any more. All she knew was that she was exhausted. She was carrying around so much weight, so many secrets, from everyone. Her friends, her family, Jamilla; she was just so done with it, so over it. And then, here she was, exposed, her entire being out there for consumption, for rejection. 

But instead of that, it was softness. Sweetness, maybe, acceptance, perhaps. 

She continued to cry, deep, body wracking tears, and she knew she would have a headache later on. But Elias and their mother continued to hold her, hugging her tightly, her mother singing an old Moroccan lullaby that Sana hadn’t heard in years. 

“I’m sorry, Mama,” were the first words to slip out of her mouth.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay.”

“Mama,” she sniffed. “Elias.”

Her mother’s voice was soft. “My dear, I love you, so much. You’re sweet and strong and smart, and those are the things that matter. It’s more important to me how you love then whom you love. And that whoever you share your life with has the same values and the same kindness that you carry with you.” 

Sana’s heart rate began to slow down, and she closed her eyes.


	21. June 7, 2016

Jamilla double-checked her phone again, making sure that she read Sana’s text correctly. 

[ **Yesterday** 19:23]  
_Hi Jamilla. I would really like to talk to you about everything that’s happened. I really miss you. I'm so sorry about you and Elias. I don’t want to write an entire essay over text, but I really need to speak with you. Please, can we meet in person to talk about everything? Meet me tomorrow after school, at my favorite spot in the city. I’ll be on the bench, waiting. Love, Sana._

She shifted on the bench and took a deep breath. She hoped this wasn’t just Sana blowing her off, again, but it was starting to look that way. She had already been sitting there for ten minutes -

“Halla.”

Jamilla turned, tilting her face up. Sana was standing next to the bench, breathing hard, her face slightly red. Her hand was behind her back, and she twitched nervously. She moved to sit besides Jamilla; Jamilla felt her face burn.

“Halla,” she said softly, turning to look at Sana. 

“I’m - sorry, I had to stay a bit later than expected,” Sana said. 

“That’s okay,” Jamilla said.

Sana fidgeted, and then suddenly swung her arm out in front of her. Jamilla gasped, eyes widening, as Sana shoved a bouquet of daisies at her. Jamilla reached out tentatively to take them. Their fingers brushed, and it made a smile creep onto Jamilla’s face. Sana shyly smiled back at her.

“These are for you,” Sana said. “Uhm. Obviously.”

“Thank you,” Jamilla said, gripping the stems tightly. “I-”

“Uhm.”

“Yeah.”

They stared at each other for a few moments, and then burst into laughter. Jamilla felt tears running down her cheeks, and she was grateful that she remembered to put on waterproof mascara that morning. Sana was almost doubled-over, clutching at her stomach as she laughed. 

This is so dumb,“ Jamilla blurted out, still giggling.

“I know!” Sana said. “Sorry, I - I’m so nervous.”

“Me too,” Jamilla admitted.

“Yeah.”

Jamilla started to say. “So, I wanted to tell you-”

“Yeah, what I wanted us to meet about was-” Sana started to say.

They both paused, and grinned at each other dopily.

“Sorry, you go first,” Jamilla said, crinkling her nose.

“Okay,” Sana said. 

Jamilla watched as she took a deep breath, steeling herself for something. Almost unconsciously, Jamilla felt her spine straighten. 

“I… I hate the way we left things off, you know, when we… that fight we had,” Sana said softly. “ I was angry and jealous and didn’t know how to handle it, I guess.”

“Jealous?”

Sana nodded, peeking up at Jamilla through her eyelashes. “Of… Elias.”

Hope welled in Jamilla’s chest. “Oh.”

“I… ” Sana hesitated. “I like you, Jamilla.”

Jamilla felt her lips part. “Sana. I like you too.”

Sana shook her head. “No, I mean, like… I like-like you. Ugh. Sorry, that feels so dumb to say...”

“No, Sana, I know,” Jamilla began to grin. “I like-like you too.”

“I don’t think you understand what I’m-” Sana paused. “Wait. What?”

Jamilla shrugged, smiling helplessly. “I… just recently discovered it, but… I… have a crush on you.”

“You - oh.” Sana’s eyes were wide.

“Yeah.”

“But… I have a crush on you,” Sana said. “An unrequited one.”

“Doesn’t seem that way,” Jamilla said, unable to stop smiling. 

“Oh,” Sana said softly. “Oh.”

Jamilla decided to take a chance. 

She slowly unwrapped one of her hands from the daisies, and reached out. She placed her hand on top of one of Sana’s, lacing their fingers together. Sana looked down, a grin on her face, as she turned her palm upward, so that they were holding hands. Jamilla’s whole body felt like it was lighting up, sparking with happiness. 

This. This was amazing.

“I - wow,” Sana laughed. “Wow, wow okay.”

“Okay,” Jamilla smiled.

“Let me - okay. So. What I was trying to tell you is that I’m sorry. For how I was acting,” Sana said softly. “I… I’ve been confused, for a long time, about how I felt - feel - about you. I didn’t know how to talk to you about it. I didn’t even know how to talk to myself about it.”

“Okay,” Jamilla said softly.

“And then, you started dating Elias, and it just… I should’ve been honest with you, but instead it just made me so upset, and then I felt like a bad friend, you know?” Sana sighed. “That, and… when you came to Nissen, I think I was also worried about us growing apart. Like, you started hanging out with the Hij- uhm. Fatima and them. And I didn’t understand. It sounds dumb, but I felt like I didn’t fit in with you.”

“It doesn’t sound dumb,” Jamilla said. 

“And then I came here, and… I understand, why you were worried about my friends. Logically, I swear. But it felt like… I don’t know. You rejecting them was also rejecting me, in a way,” Sana said.

Jamilla licked her lips. “That wasn’t it at all, Sana. I’m - I’m sure your friends are lovely. But I also was just worried. I wanted to make sure I was looking out for you, like I did at Urra. And… you know, I was really unfair to my friends, when I first started. They’re really cool, and… I guess I didn’t understand why you seemed to still dislike them, even after I started liking them.”

“Yeah,” Sana said softly.

“It felt the same, I think,” Jamilla said. “That you rejecting them was you rejecting me.”

“I’m sorry,” Sana said.

“Me too.”

“I get caught up, sometimes, in my own head,” Sana said. “I mean you know - how it was, for me. I forget that I don’t have to bottle it all up, with the people who really care for me.”

“It’s okay,” Jamilla said. She squeezed Sana’s hand. “I’ll always be here to remind you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes.”

They smiled at one another.

“I - I have to tell you, I… thought you were the one who wrote all that stuff on my Instagram,” Sana said, all in a rush.

Jamilla paused. “I know.”

“You know?”

Jamilla nodded. “I overheard your friends talking about it, in the bathroom.”

“And you’re not… mad at me?”

Jamilla shook her head. “No. It hurt that you thought I could do that to you, but… I understand why. Those assholes really tried to make it look like it was a Muslim doing it.”

“Yeah,” Sana glared.

“I’m more mad at them for doing that to you,” Jamilla said. “But don’t worry. It’s been handled.”

Sana squinted. “‘Handled’? What does that mean?”

Jamilla smiled sharply. “Elias told me that him and the boys spoke to a bunch of the Penetrators sponsors, and got them to pull their donations last minute.”

Sana’s eyebrows rose. “What? No!”

“That’s how we do it in our Muslim gangsta world.”

“In our - oh, oh fuck,” Sana started shaking with laughter. “I swear. I swear, my friends aren’t that bad.”

Jamilla said, “I know. Mine aren’t either.”

“Okay,” Sana smiled. “Okay.”

Jamilla squeezed Sana’s hand again. It made her happy, knowing that she could do that.

“So, what do we do now?” Sana asked. 

“We can do whatever we want,” Jamilla said, before chuckling. “Life is happening right now, right this moment.”

Sana titled her head, and Jamilla caught her eyes. They were sparkling, happier than Jamilla had seen in a long time. She liked it. She liked being here, holding Sana’s hand, their future spread out in front of them. There were so many things to still talk about, to still worry about, but here, in this moment, it was just the two of them.

They smiled at each other goofily, sitting there, until the sun went down. Jamilla just stared, unable to stop, at the way the light changed everything on Sana’s face. From the sunlight kissing her skin to the purple-blue tones throwing shadows on her face, it was absolutely beautiful. 

Sana was absolutely beautiful.


	22. October 07, 2016

Sana smiled down at her phone, reading the text from Even. 

[ **Today** 7:55]  
_See you in school buddy! And don’t worry, I didn’t forget about Kosegruppa ;)_

“Sana!” 

She looked up to see her friends and her girlfriend waiting for her near the steps of the school. She gasped, surprised, and a happy shiver danced up her spine. She gave them a little wave and pocketed her phone. Vilde waved back, and then went back to speaking with Chris. Sana walked over to them, a smile spread across her face. 

As she got closer, she noticed that they were all eating something, smiles on their faces. Sana’s eyes skipped down, and then she also saw that Eva and Noora were holding hands. Sana felt her smile growing wider, and she caught Noora’s eye. Noora winked back at her, mouthing ‘I’ll tell you later.”

“Halla,” Sana said, stopping in front of the group.

Jamilla leaned forward, pressing a chaste kiss on the corner of Sana’s mouth. Sana felt her whole body tingle. Jamilla pulled back, and Sana grinned at the sparkling look in Jamilla’s eyes. 

“What are you doing here?” Sana asked, her voice tinted with happiness.

“I didn’t have class this morning, so I thought I’d surprise my favorite with some breakfast,” Jamilla said.

Sana rolled her eyes, smile still on her face, when Jamilla presented her with a muffin from her favorite cafe. 

“Isn’t it so cute?” Vilde said dreamily. 

“Also very nice,” Chris said around the muffin. “From here on out, no one’s allowed to date anyone that won’t bring us muffins. Okay?”

Jamilla laughed; it was Sana’s favorite sound.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you precious babies for reading! Please drop a review!


End file.
